Episode 021 ft. Stuart Goldsmith – Half-term abuse and the Egg Box Joke

We’re back! After a slow start, the Dads are back for 2017 and are alive and well. This episode takes some time to discuss the redistribution of condoms, what the hell to do at half-term and how to hit your children. We’re also joined by the fabulous Stuart Goldsmith for part 1 of his Sad Mad Dads interview where he gives his insights into being a professional comedian and the transition from smaller to larger audiences. You can find Stuart online at The Comedian’s Comedian with Stuart Goldsmith http://www.comedianscomedian.com/  and tour dates can be found here: http://www.comedianscomedian.com/tour/ . Stuart Goldsmith on Twitter: https://twitter.com/ComComPod

WARNING: Explicit content – NSFW

 

As always, you can get more episodes, free music and other media from the links at http://www.sadmaddads.com where you can also get in touch with the Dads and support the show.

More free music at https://mrrichstokes.bandcamp.com/ and http://www.aquilalovesyou.com

Retreating penis

BOB: Not to put my neck out too much here, but has anyone else’s penis shrunk in length, girth and circumference after the years of parenting? Almost as though it’s retreating in fear of creating another one of these soul leeching lovelies. Looks like an acorn poking out of a wire wool nest these days.

RICH: Aii! Now I’m not gonna be able to look at an acorn without thinking of your tackle.  Some poor web-browsing dad will have happened across this site and thought, “Ah, that sounds useful and supportive… What’s this? Explicit content?  There doesn’t seem to be any… argh!  No!”

But to answer your very brave question, I have to say no. Sorry. Mine has stayed the same since my teens apart from what I can only call a growth spurt (I won’t ask you to pardon the pun, I have no shame) when I was around twenty. And although that was exciting at the time it still only took me from “average” to “about average.”

Do you think the retreat has happened through neglect or overuse? Or is it just the cold weather?

DAN: I also cannot confirm any reduction, I’m afraid. Not because I’m sure it hasn’t happened, mind you. More that it’s been so long since I’ve had the time, inclination or energy to think of using mine for anything other than passing waste fluids that I simply haven’t looked. And since our bathroom is right next to the nursery, I have gotten into the habit of sitting down to piss as a noise-reduction strategy so I don’t even get to say hello to my monster or rub his back / hold his hair back whilst he’s being sick.

BOB: Ha ha… No no… mine neither. I was just making a funny first post. Nothing really wrong with my King Kong.

DAN: … awkward…

The Art Of Not Drinking

DAN: Good morning, dear Sir. How are you on this fine day?

RICH: Pretty good I think! Nice to awaken without a hangover. Not missing the early morning grumpiness that goes with daily wine intake and feel quite pleased with 4 nights sober in a row. This may not sound like much of an achievement but it is for me, especially since I went to the pub on Wednesday and my beautiful wife was drinking last night. (Yes, I am ready for my sainthood, thanks for asking. The world needs more atheist saints.)

So other than a vague undercurrent of depression that I may be sacrificing my hopes and dreams in order to be a family man with a regular income, (my default state), I’m pretty good.

How are you?

DAN: Amazingly, I could cut and paste your response with only the following edits and it would be valid:

“Pretty good I think! Nice to awaken without a hangover. Not missing the early morning grumpiness that goes with daily wine intake and feel quite pleased with 4 5 nights sober in a row. This may not sound like much of an achievement but it is for me, especially since I went to the pub on Wednesday and my beautiful wife was drinking last night I REALLY wanted a beer yesterday and there’s a can of Speckled Hen in the fridge staring at me. (Yes, I am ready for my sainthood thanks for asking. The world needs more atheist saints.)

So other than a vague undercurrent of depression that I may be sacrificing my dreams and hopes in order to be a family man with a regular income, (my default state), having a job I actually like in order to pay for the house we just bought, I’m pretty good.

How are you?” (that last bit wouldn’t work, otherwise we could end up in an endless cycle).

Impressed you managed to resist when wifey was on it. Kudos. I could also add in that I’m having small yet regular panics that I’m soon to move into a house that is going to be FUCKING EXPENSIVE for the next 30 years, resulting in me being trapped in a job that I only sometimes enjoy for the rest of my useful life. And don’t get me started on the dreams bit.

RICH: Congrats on the five days! I’m gonna aim for seven and see how I feel. And remember, as Stephen Fry once said,

“The knowledge that one is not alone is priceless.”

I know exactly how you feel about the house- perhaps not on the same scale, but I can empathise.

The argument: But EVERYONE ELSE hates their job and does stuff for money and no other reason!

Me: But everyone else is also (and lets be clear about this) a cunt. With a few notable exceptions.